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Cannibals, All of You!

“In a PBS interview CNN founder Ted Turner says if global warming continues people will cut out the middlemen and start eating each other to survive.

“If steps aren’t taken to stem global warming, “We’ll be eight degrees hotter in 30 or 40 years and basically none of the crops will grow,” Turner said during a wide-ranging, hour-long interview with PBS’s Charlie Rose that aired Tuesday.

“Most of the people will have died and the rest of us will be cannibals,” said Turner, 69. “Civilization will have broken down. The few people left will be living in a failed state — like Somalia or Sudan — and living conditions will be intolerable.”

Maybe a billionaire with the acquired nickname of Mouth of the South should not be warning of cannibalism, or maybe he is precisely the person to be doing so. Turner elegantly remarked, “We’re too many people; that’s why we have global warming,” he said. “Too many people are using too much stuff.” And here we were thinking Ted, (not of Ted we hope), was being considerate and helping to fighting the global warming crisis. Silly Speach Pit, silly indeed. What we need to do instead is to reduce people; a much more practical approach. Why deal with the reality that our resources are decreasing due to over consumption when we can just avoid that for a little while longer by reducing the number of people who consume those depleted resources. Fantastic!

A man of Ted’s conviction is just what we need. When his father sent him a letter saying he was, “appalled, even shocked,” and that he “almost puked” quickly changed his major from Classics to Economics. And didn’t that work out well Teddy? You might have turned into some sort of, person. Good to know economic theory made possible your world changing theory of cannibalism and population control.

Turner suggested that “on a voluntary basis, everybody in the world’s got to pledge to themselves that one or two children is it.” Teddy ol’ pal, hows about you choose one or two… Laura Lee, Robert Edward IV, Rhett, Beauregard, Jennie … you know, of your five [5] children.

Teddy, CNN founder, did say something to which we would like to draw your attention; he said that despite the United States’ huge military budget, “we can’t win in Iraq.” “We’re being beaten by insurgents who don’t even have any tanks, they don’t have a headquarters, they don’t have a Pentagon, we don’t even know if they have any generals,” Turner told Rose. Turner called the Iraqi insurgents “patriots” who “don’t like us because we invaded their country and occupied it. Nobody likes to be invaded.” Really?

Hey Ted! You sort of have the power to do something about this, “the military industrial complex and some of our politicians [who] would like to demonize and make enemies are Russia and China,” Turner said. “China just wants to sell us shoes. They’re not building landing craft to attack the United States, and Russia wants to be our friends, too.”
We’re going to end the article here instead of pondering on friendly comrades slave-laboring cute shoes for us. =[]