Once you attain a certain stature in life, there are two things that no longer make sense—cheap liquor and expensive gas stations.

So there’s obvious appeal to the idea that you could turn cheap liquor into cheap gas in the time it takes you to down an ice-cold martini (made with the good stuff). Say hello to your new personal gas pump, the EFuel100 MicroFueler.

Rather than waiting in line on a smoggy street corner for the privilege of being gouged mercilessly, roll right up to the EFuel100 residing in your driveway (or garage, or basically anywhere with a power outlet and a water hookup) to fill any gas-burning auto with your homemade batch of ethanol. Just pour in the mix of sugar feedstock and yeast—or the residual gin from your Bootlegger’s Ball ‘05 gathering—and after a few days, fill ‘er up. The MicroFueler makes 35 gallons a week, each gallon costs you about $1, and your car will actually enjoy a little more power (which is why IndyCar racers use ethanol).

Sure, you can brag about the purported environmental benefits of your newfound gasoline independence, but there’s also a certain satisfaction in using that gas money you saved somewhere else.

Like the bar.

EFuel100 MicroFueler, $9,995, now available for pre-order online

“MAHALLA EL-KOBRA, Egypt (AP) — Thousands of demonstrators angry about rising prices and stagnant salaries torched buildings, looted shops and hurled bricks at police who responded with tear gas Sunday in a northern industrial town as Egyptians staged a nationwide strike.

About 150 people were arrested and 80 were wounded in the gritty Nile Delta town of Mahalla el-Kobra, where riots broke out among residents and disgruntled workers at the largest textile factory in Egypt.

Protesters stormed city hall, burned tires in the streets, smashed chairs through shop windows and ran off with computers. At least two schools were set ablaze and facades of banks were vandalized, police said.

Nearly 100 others were arrested elsewhere across Egypt, officials said, as thousands skipped work and school and hundreds protested over the rising cost of food and deteriorating working conditions.

A call for a nationwide strike Sunday was the first major attempt by opposition groups to turn the past year’s labor unrest into a wider political protest against the government of President Hosni Mubarak.

The strike and riots in the north came two days before key elections for local councils, causing jitters in the government, which last week lifted import duties on some food items in an effort to soften economic discontent.

The U.S.-backed government strongly warned citizens against participating in the strikes and demonstrations. Strikes and protests are illegal in Egypt, and protesters are often detained by Egyptian security forces.

Nearly 40 percent Egypt’s 76 million people live below or near the poverty line of $2 a day. The prices of staples such as cooking oil and rice have nearly doubled in recent months, amid widespread shortages of government-subsidized bread.

Many Egyptians in Cairo responded to the calls for nationwide action by skipping work or school. Many shops were closed in the capital, and traffic was significantly lighter than usual in the normally car-clogged streets.

In an effort to thwart mass protests downtown, the government sent hordes of riot police to many of Cairo’s main squares to intimidate people from showing up.

But there were some smaller protests. Hundreds of students gathered at two universities, chanting anti-government slogans, and activists outside Egypt’s Bar Association waved banners demanding economic reform.

“The strike is legitimate against poverty and starvation,” chanted the protesters, who were surrounded by riot police. Protesters on a roof later showered security forces with glass bottles and bits of wood.

In Mahalla, workers at the Misr Spinning and Weaving Factory initially planned to stage a sit-in Sunday at the mill, which employs 25,000 people. But the sit-in was canceled after hundreds of security forces showed up at the facility and labor leaders said the government promised to pass a law raising the minimum wage.

Disgruntled workers and younger activists not happy with the decision instead held a protest that turned violent in the main town square later Sunday.

An Egyptian security official said the 2,000 protesters damaged property and hurled bricks, forcing police to disperse them with tear gas. About 50 were wounded in the riots, he said on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to talk to media.

“A lot of young kids and women took part, and actually a few of the women were quite militant and urging people to get into the middle of it,” said Joel Beinin, an expert on labor movements at American University in Cairo.

Associated Press writer Maggie Michael contributed to this report from Cairo.”

So how did these young people reach that goal? Four out of five amassed their fortunes on the internet, and one enterprising young man earned his money the old fashioned way.

Cameron Johnson, Ashley Qualls, Catherine Cook, Adam Hildreth and Fraser Doherty all built million-dollar businesses before reaching age 20.”

“17-year-old Ashley Qualls launched Whateverlife.com as a personal portfolio of pictures and graphics in 2004, at age 14. She then began offering free MySpace layouts and tutorials for teens who want to learn to do their own graphics designs.

Last year, the media marketing company Valueclick contacted Ashley about advertising on her site. With 7 million individual viewers and over 60 million page views per month, Ashley has taken in over $1 million in advertising revenue.

In less than two years since launching Whateverlife, Ashley has dropped out of school, bought a house and helped launch artists such as Lily Allen.

In March of 2006, Qualls received an offer for Whateverlife of $1.5 million dollars, plus the car of her choice, which she turned down.”

“In 2002, at the age of 14, Fraser Doherty began making jams from his grandmother’s recipes and selling them door-to-door in Edinburgh, Scotland.

Tweaking the recipes and coming up with a name for his product, Doherty quit school at age 16 to work on Superjam full time.

Quickly outgrowing the kitchen in his parents’ home, Fraser began renting a factory a few days a month. In 2007, Waitrose, a high end supermarket in the U.K., approached him about selling Superjam in their stores.

Borrowing $9000 from a bank, he began producing three flavors, Blueberry & Blackcurrant, Rhubarb & Ginger, and Cranberry & Raspberry. Tesco followed, adding Superjam to 300 stores across the U.K. Doherty is on track to make $1-$2 million in 2008.”

“Federal officials and senior Wall Street executives appeared before the Senate Banking Committee Thursday to defend the controversial government bailout of the investment bank Bear Stearns. The Federal Reserve put up $30 billion to help JPMorgan Chase purchase Bear Sterns last month. The deal has come under criticism at a time when millions of struggling homeowners have received little assistance to deal with record foreclosures. Federal Reserve Chair Ben Bernanke said the government had to protect Bear Stearns to avoid market chaos.”

That’s right, you tell those American tax payers who’s boss! We’d like to have more to say, but the Chairman seems kind of cheeky and we really don’t want to talk back. He believes that if we understood what they were trying to do, we would better appreciate why they took those actions. Believe is Chairman, we understand fully appreciate the way you have so blatantly shoved, we mean extended, this opportunity down our pockets passed the lint and food stamps. Me-thinks I’ve got another idea! Just make the Federal Reserve our national banking system! Oh yay, that way the economy will be just like our President and Media, always & eagerly waiting for direction.

Federal Reserve Chair Ben Bernanke: “What we had in mind here was the protection of the financial system and the protection of the American economy. And I believe that if the American people understand that we were trying to protect the economy and not to protect anybody on Wall Street, they would better appreciate why we took the actions we did.”

“Government officials are projecting the number of Americans receiving food stamps will reach a record twenty-eight million later this year. Over the past year, more than forty states saw the number of food stamp recipients rise. A ten percent jump in food stamp recipients was recorded in six states: Arizona, Florida, Maryland, Nevada, North Dakota and Rhode Island. In West Virginia, one-in-six residents now receive food stamps.”

The pit is always turning here at Speach and we’ve got a great idea to help solve this crisis!

Option A: The foodstamp recipients could join the military. or…, Option B: Stop spending trillions of dollars on the war and help the people whose safety we are trying to ensure.

In the words of Gogol Bordello, “Your country raised you. Your country fed you. And just like any other country, it will break you.”

“On Capitol Hill, Senate and Republican leaders have unveiled a new plan to address the nation’s housing crisis. The $15 billion measure would mostly benefit the home-building industry while offering little to millions of homeowners facing foreclosure. Lawmakers rejected proposals including allowing bankruptcy judges to modify mortgage rates in individual cases. Struggling homeowners would mostly benefit from $100 million allocated to counseling services and increased leeway for local authorities to refinance mortgages through tax-exempt bonds. Home-builders would get the most assistance, with $6 billion in tax rebates. Dean Baker of the Center for Economic and Policy Research said, “It’s a bipartisan effort not to help the right people.”

So let’s get this straight. In a market foreclosing on itself, enlarging the already wide real estate quagmire, the government is making a bi-partisan effort to help build more homes? That’s sounds about right. We can see the cheesy news report/ advertising now:

Losing your home? Your life’s work down the drain? Your Congress is doing everything we can, look, we’re building more homes? (Uh, sir, third row…Speach Pit here, who’s going to buy the homes if people can’t pay for the ones they have?) Session adjourned.

“On Capitol Hill, Senate lawmakers say they’re close to a deal on assistance for the millions of Americans faced with home foreclosure in the nation’s housing crisis. Senate leaders say they could introduce the bill later today. The legislation would follow widespread criticism of last month’s federal bailout of the investment bank Bear Stearns at a time when more than four million homes are facing foreclosure.”

The executives of the five biggest oil companies— Exxon Mobil, Royal Dutch Shell, BP, ConocoPhilips and Chevron—were called to testify at a congressional hearing on Tuesday. Lawmakers took them to task for making enormous profits but investing next to nothing in renewable sources of energy. They were also called to justify why they got $18 billion in tax breaks last year when their profits had hit $123 billion and oil prices had reached runaway highs.

Welcome to Wal-Mart, fuck you.

The protesters, some of whom had chained themselves to the front doors and had to be sawed out by police, are demanding Citibank shift their large-scale investments in coal-fired power plants due to coal’s increasing investment risk.

With environmental issues being an important issue in the presidential election, protests such as these will be drawing more and more attention as coal and oil companies fight the publicity and put out healthier, happier, fitter commercials to show the friendly side of the energy industry.

“In conjunction with today’s Citi event, Fossil Fools Day activities are happening from North Dakota to New Zealand. There are over 100 actions planned including Fossil Fool award deliveries to some of the most damaging CEOs and politicians, green job rallies, protests and civil disobedience at power plants, energy companies, and banks. Actions aim to express opposition to dirty energy and show support for climate justice and corporate responsibility. Fossil Fools Day is being organized by the Energy Action Coalition and a number of international allies including the International Rising Tide Network, Rainforest Action Network, and the Canadian Youth Climate Coalition.”